He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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