The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
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So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
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Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
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