It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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