If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
