look no pants
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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