I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
