Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
