When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
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