around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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