whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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