Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
You pole danced in your parka.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
