You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
