Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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