allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
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