You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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