I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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