When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
