I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
