The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
