I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
