I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
