you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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