I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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