Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
