My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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