my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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