I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
