Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
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