I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
