Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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