Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
