Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
