Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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