why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
You made out with two different species that night
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize
