This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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