Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator