I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.