every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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