when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
