well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
