i need an iv and a liver transplant
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
that may or may not have been my penis.
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