before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
i think my cat just said my name.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
