Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
