I wish my penis had an off switch
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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