pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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