Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
