wrigley field is MILF paradise
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
