So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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