I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
