I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
My cat gives me a boner
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
