I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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