We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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