My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
