She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Randomize
