david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
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