Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
