I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
