I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
