The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
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Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
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I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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